Questioning

June 19, 2009

Let’s say, I have through my hard time. I have got it through. But now, I think I’m living in this world with no reason. Say that I lose my purpose of being a human. I live in this world with no purpose.

I think I fight for nothing. I struggle in this life for what? I don’t even know.

I’m not happy or sad. Not crying or laughing. No regret or grateful.

Maybe I just feel lonely. What reason? For someone who went away? For someone who now in other country? I still have many friends that can fill up my life. I still have family that can support me all the time. Why I must feel this lonely?

Maybe I just lose my emotion. Maybe I just get bored with all of these things. Maybe…

But I still am searching for a reason. Or maybe I need to go away from this world?

I can’t sing, “And the reason is you.” Cause there’s was no one I adore to.
I can’t sing, “And I give up forever to touch you.” Cause I have no one to love from the deep of my heart.
I can’t sing, “What can I do to make you love me?” Cause I can’t do anything now.
I can’t say, “I have a heart to give to you.” Because I think I don’t have heart anymore to give.
I can’t say, “You’ll be in my heart.” Cause there was no you.
I can’t say, “Life is wonderful.” with no purpose.

Maybe I just can sing, “Living in the world without you.” Cause there was no you.
Maybe I just can sing, “Where do we go when we die.” Cause I don’t even know where
Maybe I just can sing, “I will runaway.” Cause I have no choice.
Maybe I just can say, “Kill me now.” Cause the boredom is killing me.
Maybe I just can say, “I’m nothing.” Cause I’m not human or anything, I’m just nobody.
Maybe I just can say, “Leave me alone.” Cause your existence make me unconscious.

Rein

A Fool

This late night...
I can't sleep again...
Just tried to open my wounds again in the past.
Hope he will be there for me, but now he already hate me...
It always will bleed forever...

Tormented Complex (TC)

Blood and Tears

I wonder…
These days, I spent half of the day crying.
How many nights have I spent just for sobbing?
I wonder if tears could dry and replaced by blood.
This afternoon, I did a really silly thing.
I try to commit suicide and make it look like an accident.
It’s really silly, I must say.
I locked myself in the room; shut the door and windows tight.
Hoping I will die because lacking of oxygen.
I slept there, hoping that when I wake up, I’m already in hell.
It didn’t work, shamefully…
I wonder when I will be healed.
Because I really feel frustrated.
I pretended to be happy to make other people happy.
Because people never know that I’m bleeding inside.
No one can heal it, I believe that.
Why is it so hard to hold tears back?
I don’t know why I keep shedding tears.
Why they don’t turn into blood?

Tormented Complex (TC)

Stupid Things

Thursday, 11th June 2009, 14:39

Stupid Things

I went to school this morning.
Last night, I only slept for around 3 hours.
Today, I went to school really exhausted and felt so sick.
Again, I was disappointed.
Now, I’m really sure that everyone has left me.
I think I have acted like a pure asshole these days.
That makes senses.
Because that is what I want and what I have to do.
People always hate me and I think it’ll be fine if I add several more people to that category.
I think my school, for these days, really forces us to do unimportant thing.
If I can skip school, I’ll skip it.
For what?
It’ll be better if I stay home.
Doing nothing, just fooling around.
My school is having some kind of training for these three days.
Today, the trainer asked us to run to get a post-it on the paper.
I slipped and fell.
Well, maybe because one student tripped me down.
I fell and even hit my friend under me.
I just realized that my feet are hurt.
Maybe due that stupid accident.
Just put some medicine on it.
Maybe I sprained it…
Now, I even lazy to walk around the house…
Because every time I walked, I will look like a limp!
Still waiting here…
Where the hell is someone who can understand me?
Never feel really alone like this before…
But, that’s great!
Now, I can really be what I want to be!
I’m tired to always sacrifice for others.
While the others never at least show their appreciation to me…
Please stop pretending…
For RP, I’m tired that you always following me.
I’m tired of your extra attention.
I have my own life and I hope for the last time, leave me alone and let me finish my problem alone.
Just do your own business and stop being a busybody.
Stop sticking your nose on my problems.
I’m tired of having you around.
There are times that I need you to leave me alone.
I have been disappointed for many times.
Please think about my difficulties and circumstances.
But, it’s useless…
Because you never know and you will never understand.

Tormented Complex (TC)

Things That Popped Out in My Mind

Can’t sleep tonight.
Although I have school tomorrow and it’s almost 2 o’clock in the morning here.
Why a friendship ends?
Some people maybe have their own good reasons.
Maybe they got backstabbed or being framed and so on and so forth.
But, me?
It’s because 300 thousands rupiah.
Silly damn reason.
I really don’t want to go to school tomorrow.
Lots of thing still bothering my mind.
Usually, at this time, I’ll run to my room and take a comic, which usually are effective as the remedy.
Or maybe playing game, which usually can distract my mind.
But, I have betrayed them.
So, I got no reason to run back to them, because I have turned my back to them.
I’m really, really, really alone now.
No one can comfort me now.
Tomorrow will turn out bad again.
Like always…
Hell everyday everywhere every time.
I’ll turn out crazy soon!!!!
No wonder I got much white hair recently.
Getting old here…
Darn it…
I’ll be trapped between genius people again tomorrow!!!
ARGGGHHHHH!!!!
Don’t have any idea what should I do!!!
My incapability blocking me again…
Why God created a human with so many flaws like me???

Tormented Complex (TC)

TC's Bedtime Story

Once upon time, there was a little girl.
At first, she was really happy.
She lived in a happy family and all her wishes always be fulfilled.
Somehow, her relatives grew dislikes on her and they started to talk about her behind her back.
They managed to persuade the parents and that girl became exiled in the family.
The parents planned to throw the girl away.
They said to the little girl “Let’s go for a holiday!”
The little girl excited, she was very happy.
On the road, she fell asleep, dreaming about good things that might happen on the holiday.
But suddenly, the dream turned into nightmare and she jolted from her sleep.
She looked around and questioning herself “Where am I?”
She was in the middle of nowhere.
She discovered some food and her favorite doll laid on the ground beside her.
There was a letter too there.
“We will pick you up someday.”
So, the little girl waited.
Tried to survive the harsh nature, a strange place she never had been before.
One day, she almost got bored of waiting.
She could only talked with her doll and did nothing except waiting for her parents to pick her up.
Suddenly, a girl passed by, asking her what she was doing.
She said, “I am waiting for my parents.”
The strange girl found out about the letter and she laughed at her.
“Are you stupid? Your parents had left you! Why you still wait for them here?”
Then, the girl asked the little girl to come with her and so she did.
The lonely little girl could smile again after a long time, she felt lucky for having a friend like the strange girl.
They started on a journey.
One day, they camped on the side of the road.
The little girl dreamt again about the wonderful journey that she had with the strange girl, smiling in her sleep.
The next morning, she woke up.
The strange girl had gone.
She even took away all her food supplies!
The little girl felt tricked and she really mad because of that.
But, she said to herself, “What’s the point thinking of it? Let it go!”
Then, the little girl started on her journey again.
Now, she was alone again.
She ate all she could find on the road.
She was really lucky if she could find a fresh fruit that fell from the tree.
The worst is a dead rat on the road or even some leftovers.
One day, she discovered a small wood house.
A small hope grew in her heart again.
She knocked at the house and a nice looking woman opened the door for her.
The woman provided her with shelters and food.
There, she felt like she was back in her home with her beloved mother.
After a few days, the woman started to show her true intentions.
The woman forced the little girl to work really hard and served her.
The little girl did what she ordered the woman ordered her to do.
She tried to serve the woman with all she had without complaining.
One day, the woman gave the little girl a little leftover from her dinner.
Before the little girl ate it, she fed the small cat in the woman’s house.
She was really surprised that the cat writhed in pain and died after ate the food.
She discovered that the food was already been poisoned.
Broken hearted again, she ran away from her house.
She was on a journey again, living a life like a stray cat again.
She asked her doll on one random night, “Little doll, could we put our faith to other people?”
After quite a long journey alone, she found another girl.
The girl was picking ripe apples from the tree.
The girl saw the little girl and she smiled to her.
She said, “Are you alone? Let’s come to my village!”
Of course, the little girl filled with joy after heard that.
So, both of them walked to the village.
The girl’s family welcomed her and took the little girl as their daughter.
The little girl lived a happy life for a moment until one incident occurred.
Some villagers started losing their precious things.
They started grew suspicious to the little girl and even accused her as the thief.
One of them said, “This never happened before you came!”
The villagers started to throw stones to the little girl.
The little girl looked hopefully to her new family, hope that they will save her from a sin she never done.
But, all of them turned their back on her.
Nobody stood on her side.
So, the little girl was forced out from the village.
With blood on her face and wounds everywhere on her body, she continued her journey.
Not long after that, winter came.
All trees died and she couldn’t find any fruits.
Even it’s really hard to find dead rats on the road.
Slowly, the little girl grew weaker.
No food, no drink, no shelter.
One day, there was a snowstorm and she fell down to the ground.
With her last consciousness, she looked around and she realized where she was.
She held her doll tight and said to the doll weakly, “See? It’s the place where mommy daddy first threw us…”
She licked the snow under her, hoping it will quench her thirst a little bit.
Indeed, the snow melted in her mouth and became water.
“I never know that water tasted so delicious…”
She closed her eyes and started to dream.
After that, she fell asleep for eternity.

Every time a random stranger passed that road, he or she could see a small skeleton with a small shabby doll beside it.

Fin.


The morals…
Hmm…
Think for yourselves…
Wow…
This is the first time I finish writing a story!

Tormented Complex (TC)

Donna Nobis Pacem

I lost my only hope.
So, I think I’d better face reality than keep contemplating about things.
Just heard something from somebody.
Kinda break my heart.
Well, actually it’s my fault to put much hope to people around me.
I hate everybody and everything now.
Man, why I never come to realize about this thing.
Maybe it’s the time for me to make great changes and re-shape myself.
This is the first time that I throw my tantrum to thing that I like doing the most.
I hate Capcom.
Well, this sounds really stupid.
I hate it for letting me grow fanatic to video games.
I hate it for persuading me keep buying stupid things.
I hate it for forcing me buy an expensive black box at my home.
I hate it for giving me false hope and stupid dreams that I can work there someday.
I hate it for making me get disappointed today for just some stupid reasons.
Also, I hate everybody now!
Man, this stupid headache is bothering me.
Come to your senses that you will never find anybody that understands you!!!
I went into a wrong school.
Damn…
Where the hell is the place where I can find peace?
Just in several weeks, I’ll get my holiday.
At least, peace in my home.
Well, not really.
At least, my house isn’t really crowded like school.
I can stay at my room.
Maybe because I’m sleepy, I started to say nonsense things.
Time for changes…
So, from now on, let’s try becoming somebody that all people like.
I need to become a “real” girl.
I should care more about the pimples in my face than my comic books.
I should care more about manicure, pedicure and going to salon rather than saving my money for buying game CD.
I should care more about branded clothes in my closet than new video game console.
I should care more about gossips than how to kill zombies in Resident Evil.
I should care more about getting myself prettier than discover how to obtain more blue orb in Devil May Cry.
I should be panic for not having a boyfriend than be panic because I can’t have Sengoku Basara’s merchandise.
I should put Robert Pattison or Daniel Redcliffe posters than anime and game posters in my room.
I should burn down all my comics then change them into fashion magazines.
I should know more fashion things than know the chronological event of my favorite event.
I should change all my games with 90210 or Gossip Girls DVD.
I should change all my artbook with sets of make up and cosmetics.
I should change all my jeans and trousers with dresses.
Oh, man…
I’m such a hypocrit.
I need BD now.
At least for a while.
TC need a rest here…
Why nobody understand…
Why nobody never try to look from my point of view and see what I’ve done for them.

Tormented Complex (TC)

May 13, 2009

Semakin dewasa dan semakin gw bertumbuh secara mental, semakin gw sadari bahwa pada akhirnya gw hidup seorang diri di dunia ini. Meskipun ada orang-orang lain di sekitar kita yang menemani, bukan berarti mereka dapat selalu ada untuk kita begitu pula kita untuk mereka.

Semakin gw sadari bahwa yang selama ini gw perjuangkan untuk orang lain semakin tidak berarti. Karena pada akhirnya yang mendapat penghargaan atas apa yang telah gw buat adalah orang-orang lain. Dan tidak ada yang mengingat berapa susahnya gw melakukan hal itu.

Dan selama ini gw gak pernah menemukan orang yang menyadari bahwa gw selama ini bekerja di belakang dan melakukan hal-hal kotor lainnya hanya untuk kepentingan orang-orang di sekitar gw. Gw melakukan hal itu agar hal-hal buruk yang tidak diharapkan tidak akan terjadi. Namun sampai saat ini, gw belum menemukan ada orang yang sepenuhnya menyadari bahwa gw melakukan semua itu.

Gw bukan berpikir kalo gw ini membutuhkan pujian ataupun membutuhkan penghargaan dari orang-orang di sekitar gw. Tapi yang gw butuhkan saat ini adalah pernyataan akan keberadaan diri gw di dunia ini.

Ataukah gw emang tidak diharapkan untuk terus berada di dunia ini. Karena keberadaan gw sebenarnya tidak berarti sama sekali. Gw udah gak mau tau lagi. Karena semakin lama gw hidup semakin banyak yang membebani gw dan di satu sisi gw semakin kehilangan arti hidup gw.

Rein

Dream and Delusion

May 11, 2009

I don’t know what happen to me.
I was sleeping at the evening
I have an unconscious dream.
I dream about someone that went away about 4 years ago to another country.
In my dream, I met again with him.
I don’t know but it makes me feel lonely.
Cause I can remember all the things that we have done together.
Actually it’s not like me to say such a sentimental things like this.
But because that dream, I can recall all the things with him.

Rein

Feel the pain, feel the suffer

Now, my life was upside down...
Nothing happened as what I imagine before

Actually it's not a big a deal for me
But for the real
why such a thing like this happen to me???
Why?

every unlucky thing comes to my life
one by one
slow but sure

i just want to live happily
without pain n suffer
no deal for hope
no think to die

but somehow
i just want to erase my existance in this world
and never want to live this life anymore

i try to ignore everything
everyone

but when i try that
many of you come to me to say this and that
so i can't do that

as my parents so
they put to much hopr on my shoulders

as my big brother
he put unforgetable swear to me

as my second brother
he put unforgetable promise to me

and as my life goes on
i still need to struggle with many things

i need to face the pain
i need to fight the suffer

although i ain't gonna live in this world
i still need to face the truth


Rein

TC

yeah i've been reading ur post
i have watch the same movie

but at last
you could never say that she betray him just for herself
she has another reason to betray
even though it's an unforgivable things

somehow we need to lie to the dearest person
and at last
she shows her words to him
life it's not that simple

maybe u can say i'm the Trickster

I Hope...

I ever wonder…
I wake up in a random morning.
Somebody told me that my time in this world is only a day left.
Wow…
I’ll be full of joy after hearing that.
I wish…
I fell sick suddenly.
Then, the doctor said that I suffered from cancer or whatever severe disease and told me that I can only survive not more than several months…
Another joy…
I want…
To live alone somewhere in this part of world.
Only me, alone.
Enjoying my peace time.
Doing things I want…
Yesterday, I watched “Wolverine” on the cinema.
Well, the real title is “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”.
I heard one saying there.
Very memorable for me.

“I thought you are the moon and I’m the one who brought flower for you. I thought I’m your Wolverine. But, you are the Trickster, right? And I’m the foolish guy who you tricked.”

So touching, yet, sad.
The guy who lived and survived for revenge, at the end found out that he tried to take revenge on someone who actually didn’t deserve it.
Whoever got near him will be in great danger and bad luck.
At the end, his memories were erased.
He even couldn’t recognize himself.
I wish I were someone like him.
At least, living for revenge.
Even it does hurt to know that the one you fight for has betrayed you.


Tormented Complex (TC)

that's enough

yah itu perasaan yang menghantui gw untuk beberapa hari terakhir

rein

Vero nihil verius

March 25, 2009

“Tidak ada yang lebih benar daripada kebenaran itu sendiri”

Hidup ini terus mencari kebenaran
Tapi mengingat kebenaran yang ada selama ini
Kita hanya melihat
Segala kebenaran hanyalah sumber kegetiran hidup
Bukan menjadi motivasi untuk bertahan hidup

Kalau terus begitu
Buat apa manusia masih mencari-cari kebenaran
Buat apa manusia terus berjuang
Kalau segala kebenaran sudah ditetapkan oleh Tuhan

Kebenaran bahwa hidup tak selamanya indah
Kebenaran bahwa akhir hidup adalah kematian
Kebenaran bahwa kematian merupakan suatu kehilangan dan kehampaan
Kebenaran bahwa tak ada yang abadi di dunia ini
Kebenaran bahwa waktu terus berjalan
Kebenaran bahwa segala sesuatu perlu perjuanagn
Kebenaran bahwa yang benar akan selalu menang
Kebenaran bahwa terang akan mengalahkan kegelapan

Kegelapan

March 23, 2009

“kegelapan akan dikalahkan oleh terang”
“yang memilih kegelapan akan kalah oleh terang”

Sesuatu yang sudah menjadi klise
Menganggap bahwa kegelapan selalu jahat
Keliru!
Semua itu salah!
Apa memang kegelapan itu selalu jahat?

Bukankah kegelapan adalah suatu bentuk penantian
Penantian dalam menunggu datangnya terang
Kegelapan bukanlah penjara
Bukan juga jalan buntu
Melainkan pintu masuk menuju terang
Pintu untuk menyongsong sesuatu yang baru
Yang akan menjadi semakin berarti saat gelap kembali datang