a letter for him

it has been a thrilling three months
when you start all of them with happiness
and now come to this end

i used to hope it was you
i used to wait your coming

you used to call me everyday
you used to take me out

i used to...
you used to...

now

i stop believe
i stop waiting
i stop...

you stop calling
you stop coming
you stop..

i'm tired of it
thanks for the hope you give to me
thanks for lightning up my heart
thanks for making me learn,
that i can't never put a single lil' hope to anyone about anything.
thank you and goodbye

hope you will find your path
and i'll find mine too
and this will be my last prayer for you

-vermillion-

this kind of existance that i never imagine before

one of my friend write a status on his facebook
he said, "too much people putting their dreams to him, and now those dreams give him a lot of pressure."

i think it's true
many people put their dreams to us
as our parents, brother and sister, friends, teachers, etc.
they will say to you, "you can get through this"
but never try to understand deep inside, our dream is just a simple dream and not a big one

i'm sick of what people's saying
like "you can get through it", "you can do it", "i pray for you"
and also "keep on spirit", "god speed", "god bless you" etc
i don't mean that all of these mean nonsense or bullshit
but those means nothing for me
it's better to motivate someone than just giving a usual advice
giving motivation gives people another point of view
but giving advice like a wise-person do is not good idea for a person like me

despite of all those things
because of others dreams, i live this kind of life not as me
but as another person
and it's all because others dreams
this is not funny
but as i said from the previous post
it became a point of no return
if i came home with an empty hand
what will people say to me
i will make my family embarrassed of me

Rein

don't know what to say

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive (iris-goo goo dolls)

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
(Home- Michael Buble)

(sorry for using Indonesian)

ada kalanya gw ingin sendiri, hidup dalam kesendirian untuk sesaat.
Just take a me time.

Gw kadang terlalu capek untuk ngadepin orang-orang di sekitar gw.
Apalagi kalo dibayangkan seperti saat ini.
Kadang gw bukanlah gw apa adanya.
Gw harus menjadi seperti apa yang diharapkan orang lain.

Di sisi lain, orang berharap banyak dari gw.
Terutama orang-orang terdekat gw.
Namun di sisi lain, orang-orang pun menaruh harapan pada gw.
Dan semua itu menjadi suatu beban baru yang harus gw hadapi, terutama untuk 4 tahun ke depan.

Gw rasanya ingin kembali menjadi seorang anak kecil yang tak perlu berpikir terlalu jauh dan memandang terlalu jauh.
Gw ingin gw cukup mempunyai pola pikir yang simple sehingga gw bisa menjadi seperti apa yang gw inginkan dan tak perlu peduli sama apa yang dipikirkan dan diharapkan orang lain.
Gw ingin menjadi sedikit lebih egois.
Tapi apalah artinya gw bermimpi jika itu tak pernah jadi kenyataan.
Karena di sini umur gw terus bertambah dan gw harus menjadi seperti ini.
Ini menjadi satu tantangan dan juga sebuah beban bagi gw.
Namun di sisi lain gw harus tetap maju demi itu semua.
This is the point of no return for me.

all i want to say

“If you, if you could return, don’t be let it burned, don’t be let it fade
I’m sure i’m not be rude, but it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart, it’s ruining everything “
Linger-Cranberries

It’s not what i want
I never expect you will react like this
I just want you to know
That i do care with you
I don’t want to be your problem
I want to be your solution
But you never told me
You never give me a chance
I know you were hurted
So, let me heal you
I will try my best
But it depends on chance
You would like to give it to me or not

“Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated”
Complicated-Avril Lavigne