Hard Work=Nothing

No hope here…
Only despair waiting for me.
I’ve been having bad day continuously since Wednesday.
Really gloomy and frustrated.
I hate myself.
All my incapability made it worst.
I don’t have anything.
Hard work means nothing.
I work really hard; I think I work exceeding even my limit.
I force myself to be able to do this and that, but, I never success in doing something.
I make no changes in my life.
To be honest, I will never make it.
Fate hates me and I am doomed to failure.
I will always be a failure person wherever and whenever I go, as long as I still exist in this world.
Well, I should precisely say that my existence is actually dubious.
I am surrounded by people with talents here and there.
Most of them even “super” in my opinion.
I don’t know what fate has planned for me.
Putting me into this place.
I feel like I’m at the wrong place and time.
Maybe Fate enjoying torturing me in the first place.
Fate wants to see my suffering and pain.
I even doubt if there’s really a person out there who can save me.
I don’t need to be saved.
I’m the oblivion and a pure dark horse, right?
I don’t have my own shine.
Lots of people say that each person has their own shine.
For me?
I think there’s an exception.
I’m a “being” actually, not someone.
People never acknowledge me as someone with something.
They always consider me as a “being” that carry disaster wherever I go.
I’m a disaster, well, that I have to admit.
Also, I want to share something today.
I can’t sleep, got plenty of time.
I have a friend out there (actually, I don’t even consider him as my friend).
Let’s call him with B.
I’ve been chatting with him for a time then I decide to stop talking to him.
Why?
Because he’s a pure jerk (actually I don’t have the right to call him a jerk, because I’m lower than him and even a worst “being” than him).
He lies about everything.
Even though I know that, sometimes I still run from reality.
Whenever I have severe problems and I think that no one is there to hear my complaint, I’ll run to him.
I have done that several times.
My disease will peak at night.
Usually at night, nobody will be there for me.
Rein and Vermillion maybe have grown tired hearing my complaints, beside that, they’re already asleep at the time.
Then, all I can do is just chat with him.
One of the reasons why I’m still trying to trust him is because he ever comforts me in a different way.
I always expect my friends to do that (yeah, I’m also a demanding “being”, I’m really selfish), but nobody has ever done that.
Then, suddenly that treatment came from him.
But, even he can’t comfort me fully.
There’s still something, a word that I want somebody out there to say to me.
Nobody has ever done that.
There’s no one that has ever say that word to me.
I’m still waiting here…
Now, I don’t want to chat with him anymore.
He’s weighing on my shoulder and he is more annoying now.
Where’s my place?
Even Underworld doesn’t want to welcome me.
Well…
That’s my life…
I’m still sitting at the corner of the darkness, without my shine and just stared blankly at the bright place where people gathered around.
I’m exiled…
Is there somebody out there want to accompany me?
Of course no, they don’t want to fall into darkness like me.
They want to shine and be in the bright place where they’re destined to be.
Not like me.
I’m condemned and that has been scripted in my destiny.
Alone forever…


Tormented Complex